The Zombie Hunters Forum: WE GO THERE.

Art Discussion => Writing => Topic started by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 08:17:15 pm



Title: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 08:17:15 pm
Before we get into the short story, I've never been that good at writing stories. Poems, lyrics, all have been ok, and so any helpful comments on how to make this better would be appreciated. It's definately a work in progress!

Home

They are tearing at me, wanting only one thing, and so I run... Run from those who I once loved.
It’s so dark, where are all the stars? Maybe they are hiding too...
I’m so tired... I just want to go home.
Then I see you, with that burning gaze that had drawn me into your arms so many times in the past.
There was safety in those arms...
I look down as I run to you, my feet are torn and bleeding from the broken city street and the shattered glass, which now, I swear, seems to be almost taking place of the stars with its eerie twinkle...
I must have run faster then I realised, because when I look up from my shattered glass sky you are standing right there in front of me, with a passion flickering in your eyes that I had never seen before... I’m drawn into those eyes, and soon, their fire is all I can see.
My knees grow weak, and suddenly you’re standing over me. Your look is not one of worry and care, but instead, a hellish smile starts seeping from your red lips, why aren’t you helping me?!
Your smile only widens as I struggle to stand, and so I try to scream at you! Scream of the love we once shared, of the future we had both hoped for together, marriage! Children! And growing old!..
But my voice has gone with the rest of my body.
Desperately I turn away from the gaze that had nearly engulfed me, and I reach my hands out to the approaching sea of faces, someone must care about me, someone must want to help!
That’s when I realise... I’m in a world full of lost souls, who care only for themselves... and I have condemned myself unto them.
How could I have been so blind?! How did I not realise the coldness of your skin, when once it was so warm? Or the absence of your breath that used to tickle the back of my neck lovingly?
There is truly no escape now, and so I turn back to your eyes, the rest of the world starts to fade, and I barely notice how it tears me away, piece... by... piece...
Now all I can see is that beautiful fire in your eyes surrounding me. All I can feel is its warmth...
I am home.


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Jetraymongoose on October 08, 2009, 08:28:17 pm
That's very good Milly


Title: Re: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 08:30:24 pm
:) Thanks, nice to know someone liked it!


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Ralion on October 08, 2009, 08:42:26 pm
I noticed a couple of typos...
Quote
I must have ran faster then I realized
Quote
Your look is not one of worry and care
... but don't get me wrong, I really liked it.


Title: Re: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 08:46:22 pm
Here in Australia realised is spelt with an 's' :P, so leaving that :P
Thanks for the other correction though! and I'm glad you liked it.


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Ralion on October 08, 2009, 08:52:33 pm
Huh, weird. Oh well


Title: Re: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 09:51:25 pm
That's Australia for ya! :P


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Ralion on October 08, 2009, 10:01:12 pm
As if it wasn't confusing enough already.


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Boomstick on October 08, 2009, 11:14:55 pm
I must have run faster

fix'd.  But I liked it...very eerie indeed


Title: Re: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 08, 2009, 11:18:23 pm
Thanks :). Even after you corrected me a sat there for  a while going "run... ran.. hmm, run sounds weird, so does ran... no definitely run" lol.


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Boomstick on October 08, 2009, 11:22:50 pm
yeah, sometimes even the right way sounds weird... I remember trying to remember how to spell friend one day, and nothing I did made it sound right...even writing it down LoL


Title: Re: Home
Post by: Cheez on October 09, 2009, 04:05:14 am
I too noticed a typo.

seeping from your red lips, why arenít you helping me?!

Other than that, 'tis bloody good.

Oh, and
*Shakes fist at Ralion*

Spell the King's English correctly, you colonial rotter!

*Puts monocle back on, doffs bowler hat and sips tea*


Title: Re: Home
Post by: DarkMilly on October 09, 2009, 05:36:05 am
Thankyou :D

I really didn't except so many compliments for this... Gives me hope! :D