The Zombie Hunters Forum: WE GO THERE.

Art Discussion => Writing => Topic started by: Red Ivan on December 13, 2010, 09:55:39 pm

Title: BioStorm
Post by: Red Ivan on December 13, 2010, 09:55:39 pm
I'm a pretty noob writer. And when it comes to writing after a few chapters I lose interest. Constructive criticism is wanted please!
But I've got to explain a few things first.
1. This chapter is about 1/3 ways into the story. A small militia team have just infiltrated the Bio Empire Citadel by B.E dropships. They're there to rescue one of their soldiers that are captured earlier in the story.
2. Dradavasky's personality is partly inspired by a kind of russian like father figure. Dradavasky's is more of a rural forest type of man, hunting, fishing that sort of stuff.
3. The story takes place on some fictional planet during a sort of modern/Future era. The main populace are being preyed upon by a sinister alien/biotic empire (inspired by American civil war armies). Me being very unimaginative mind just named them the Bio Empire or Bio Army. Space flight hasn't been accomplished yet but airships dominate the skies and are the preffered mode of transport. Sea transport is impossible due to a massive infestation of sea creatures known as Leviathans
4. There isn't a strong nationalist presence on this planet because since I chose to set this story here these people aren't human and so do not seek what most humans seek (That being destruction by nuclear war, thirst to kill others, etc)

Chapter XIII
Several armed figures slipped out of the alien drop-ships and into the dark hanger. It was near pitch black in cold unforgiving hanger and Louise tightened her trench coat around her and unslung her rifle from her back and huddled with the others as they revised the plan. Other than Ulysses reassurances tensions were running high and Elaine was clearly shaking. They were truly in the belly of the beast now. The distant sounds of activity lingered in the air like cancerous smoke and caused them all to adopt a solemn silence. Louise spotted Jake daydreaming at the huge glass hanger window, gazing dreamily upwards at the innards of the Bio Army spire. Bright, intense lights lit up each floor and occasionally a dark figure would pass close to the window, a soldier on patrol most likely. Ulysses checked his watch and bit his tongue.
“Sun comes up in four hours everyone,” Ulysses sighed and shuffled towards the hanger doors, “Lets move”.
Dradavasky cursed and extinguished his smoke and hefted his grenade launcher over his shoulder. Ulysses gave a final near silent prayer and slid out the door with two of the group and Elaine close behind. Dradavasky called over Jake and Louise and waited until he was sure it was clear.
“Make haste, be silent little ones” whispered Dradavasky as he exited followed by the pair into the dimly lit halls. The three scuttled down the hall to the elevator. It was a large cargo elevator with heavy steel walls and one wall had been taken off and replaced with a pane of reinforced glass allowing the passengers to witness the insides of the spire. Dradavasky moved to the panel and slung his grenade launcher away and brought out a crumpled piece of paper and started decoding the symbols on the large multicoloured panel. Louise regretted allowing Jake to come on the strike, he was too young for this type of action. If the alarm was raised by a single soldier then this entire mission had been a total failure and the Bio Army would become paranoid and bump up their security measures. And they would all be enslaved or killed if they were lucky.
“What are we waiting for?” Jake paced impatiently in the darkened corridor and aimed the rifle around, getting a feel for it.
“Shush, little one. We are only required to take action once the others have set off the signal” Dradavasky had sketched the translations underneath the elevator symbols using a black marker. Jake wandered over to the pane of glass to look up at the inside of the spire.
“Louise!” Jake pointed up at one of the spire platforms, “Look at that!”.
“Jake! Shut up!” Louise slapped the back of Jakes head but looked up at the indicated platform and saw a large armoured airship take off and head towards a 'Keyhole', “Jake! It was nothing. Could you please quieten down?” Louise pleaded and turned her attention back to Dradavasky who was watching his arm-mounted 'Sphere' tool hack into the Bio Army systems but get instantly denied access as soon as he found anything of note.
“Hey! Don't use that they could track you!” Louise felt she was becoming more and more of a nagging presence to everyone and was about to apologise when Dradavasky replied swiftly.
“Not your place to argue little one” Dradavasky commanded the 'Sphere' tool to continue hacking and decoding the alien files and translating them which on ordinary computer would take two years. Suddenly Ulysses voice sparked from the comm unit on Louise's belt.
“Go ahead- * Static * -Confirming  Level 54 as designated holding area- * Static * -Medium resistance- * Silence * -I'll trigger the distraction in approximately one minute” Louise dragged Jake away from the window and into the elevator. Dradavasky entered the right series of symbols and the elevator doors snapped together with a sharp piercing squeak and the sturdy box rumbled upwards before regaining a smooth ascent. The inside of the spire was awe-inspiring. The size of the entire Bio Army tower was possibly the largest structure ever to be built on this world. The epic sized tower had a large sink-hole down the centre of the tower with 'Keyhole' like gaps in the side, allowing Bio Army airships to enter the sink-hole to land on the innards of the spire. A huge power generator at the top of the sink-hole which took up too much space to allow airships through but a small fighter could possibly slip in. Three hours and a half hours of darkness remaining.
Suddenly an ear piercing screech echoed down the inside of the tower that rattled the elevator but it maintained it's assent. Jake shouted out in terror as klaxon alarms started to sound. Nearly every floor's lights snapped out and blinded the trio who had to cover their eyes from the intense white lights. Louise regained her sight first and lost the feeling in her legs when she saw them. Bio Empire troops were pouring out of nearly every door way, rifles equipped with the alien bayonets and voices yelling at each other in a confused manner. Louise had learned the Bio Empire language a while back from a small collection of spy tapes taken from a listening post, she understood most of the basic words and verbiage of the troops.
“Intruders have been detected on the Level 54.” a harsh alien voice echoed through the tower, “Take them alive”.
“What did it say?” Jake was almost completely freaked out now, backed into the corner trying to hide in the most pathetic fashion possible. Louise felt a pang of pity of what the Bio Empire might do to Jake. Dradavasky stopped the elevator, the doors began to open but Dradavasky forced the doors apart with a groan of metal.
“Quickly!” Dradavasky turned and ran to two doors nearby and checked them both, opening the second one he found a storage room filled with red canisters, “Get in here little ones”.
Louise and Jake were almost shoved inside by Dradavasky who then slammed the door shut.
“Wait!” Jake tried to wrestle out of Louise's grasp to get out until she pinned him down and signalled to him to shut up. Muffled distant gunfire emanated from outside. Over the muffled shots Louise heard Bio Empire soldiers.
“You! Halt! Lay down your arms!”
“Surrender!”Then came Dradavasky's voice but he spoke the Bio Empire language, his voice sounding sharp and violent.
“I would rather die in battle! Come and fight me!”Then came the sounds of a volley of gunfire, the explosion of a grenade and an alien scream and then silence.
“This is unit 145 reporting. One intruder has been neutralised. We have sustained two casualties. Now moving to level 54”.
Louise slumped against the wall letting herself slide to the ground, her head in her hands. The voices of some of the Bio Empire soldiers barked at each other before some started to vanish. A few minutes passed and Louise forced herself to open the door. The two B.E soldiers had been dragged aside respectfully and placed by the window but they had shown no respect to their enemy. Red smoke drifted lazily around Dradavasky's body, blood pooling around his torso where the B.E soldiers had struck their mark. Jake watched silently from the doorway as Louise held back the tears that she knew were about to flow. Respectfully closing Dradavasky's eyes and collecting his grenade launcher and slinging it over her back Louise held the distant sounds of Bio Empire rifle fire.
“Jake... Lets go”

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: sok on December 14, 2010, 04:44:27 pm
sorry but... planet the size of jupiter?
even if it was waaay less dense than earth humans would weigh fuckin tonns there.

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: Red Ivan on December 14, 2010, 09:58:23 pm
Lol its not supposed to be that big but I wanted space guess I'll just scale it down then.
I'm no scientist

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: sok on December 15, 2010, 10:43:21 am
yes, but you are a writer, so you kinda have to make the story make sense:P

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: Stan on December 15, 2010, 10:16:26 pm
If you suspend your disbeleif, you'll find things can me alot more enjoyable.

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: Dodom on December 16, 2010, 01:38:20 pm
Well, the characters aren't human, so it's ok to imagine that they may be adapted to a high gravity environment. Their cells could contain gas vacuoles, making their flesh barely heavier than the atmosphere, or they could be very small, tipping the weight/strength ratio to their advantage. Pseudo-science can make anything you like make sort of sense, the only important part is being internally consistant.

Title: Re: BioStorm
Post by: sok on December 16, 2010, 03:09:01 pm
Well, i thought that at least one side of the conflict was humans.
if they are not- tis all pseudo ok;p
why bother yourself with gas vacuoles? they dont need to be carbon based at all, could be based on lighter elements, like hydrogen and sodium for example.
would be funny, them meeting oxygen atmosphere:D