Here we go again:
This formerly stately place is now completely thrashed. Scattered about are the fragments of what was once beautiful, if somewhat big statues of the gods. Someone were possibly compenating a bit. Among the bits of rock, the occasional red smear can be seen.
Walking among the rubble are five detectives, all wearing their best deerhunters and tweed coats. Detective McNinja is also, for once, wearing pants.
"I think the first order of busines would be to find out just who that red smear is. Detecitve Sammich, please?" detective Grammer said and pointed at the mess on the ground.
"This looks like quite the mess," detective Red Beret said, while taking pictures of both the crime scene and other things better left undocumented.
Detective McNinja handed detective Grammer a bacon butty and said “here you go,” while detective Cheez was poking about the red smear and liking his fingers. “Mmm, yummy,” the detective says.
"Thank you very much," detective Grammer said to McNinja, before turning to detective Cheez. "Detective Cheez, please don't eat the evidence. Who knows where it's been?"
"Well, it's obviously been right here. I doubt it left the room," detective Red Beret said.
DCI Cheez shrugged. "Smeg off."
Detective Sammich walked over to the gooey splatter. "It looks edible, but I think it's more meat than sweet. As for WHO it is...It may take some time to figure out."
"It could be undead," detective Grammer said.
"Fluke's on vacation, though..." detective Red Beret pointed out.
"Your point? I, uh, forgot to have dinner," detective Cheez admitted.
"Then have a Sammich instead, would you?" detective Grammer said.
"Ooh yeah, baby, I'll have Sammich all night," detective Cheez said, while doing a small pose.
"Unfortunately, I would prefer not to be eaten. At least now." Sammich pulled out a plastic baggy and began scooping the blood into it with a fork. "Maybe once I've got ham in my system."
"Detective Cheez! That is highly inappropriate!" detective Red Beret burst out and handed detective Cheez a glove. "Without protection, of course."
"Yay, glove!" detective Cheez exclaims and flicks it at McNinja.
"...moving swifty on from that, lets see if we can find any personal belongings from this individual amoung the rubble, shall we?" detective McNinja said, while doing his best to ignore detective Cheez.
"Well, I found a shred of cloth here," detective Red Beret says and holds up the little bugger.
Failing to ignore the glove that's being flicked at him, detective McNinja instead catches the offending object, stretches it out and wears it as a hat, on top of his hat.
“Ow, I just bayonetted mah hand!” can be heard from beyond the fourth wall.
"I found a pretty big... wait, it's made of stone, couldn't have been his," detective Grammer says and throws away the offending object.
"Of course, it could be from a bedspread or a table cloth," detective Red Beret admitted, before exclaiming, "Aha! A wallet!" He'd been picking detective Grammer's pockets.
"I found a glove," detective Cheez said and happily pointed at McNinja's head.
"What in the blazes..." Sammich held up an object. "This...this can't be..."
Detective Red Beret opens the wallet he 'found'. "My goodness, it seems this poor fellow was Detective Grammer! He will be missed."
"You found a bee?" detective Cheez asks.
Detective Red Beret is busy looting the wallet and doesn't answer.
Detective Grammer walks up behind Red Beret and stabs him in the back. "That one's mine, thank you very much." He then retrieves the wallet, minus the cash.
"It's...A yoghurt dispenser!" Sammich held the yoghurt dispenser out for everyone to see.
"Hmm... Who is fond of bees?" detective Cheez wondered, while ignoring the yoghurt dispenser.
"Bees are fond of me!" detective Red Beret exclaimed. He too was ignoring the yoghurt.
"Cass loves bees. A bit too much, really," detective Grammer said and completed the trifecta of ignorance.
"Yo! Need a dispenser here!" detective McNinja shouted and held out an evidence bag.
"Dodom, too, though to a lesser extent I'd say," detective Cheez said.
Meanwhile, detective Red Beret is busy rooting around in another set of pockets. This time, said pocket belongs to detective Sammich. "I found another wallet! Possibly two victims--Detective Sammich! Nooo!"
Detective Grammer slams down an evidence dispenser next to detective McNinja, while Sammich headbutts the yogurt dispenser into the evidence bag.
"Dodom has taken her leave though, unfortuantly," detective McNinja pointed out.
"Ah yes, true. Though she does occasionally return,” detective Cheez added.
"It could have been her ghost," detective Grammer added.
"Ghost?" detective Red Beret says, while he pockets detective Sammich's cash and returns the wallet.
'Why thank you, RB! I'd been meaning to get rid of that for some time," detective Sammich says, happy.
"Ghosts don't gib though, never play Time Splitters?" detective McNinja said.
"Ghost? Or goats?" detective Cheez wonders.
"Such technological marvels are too much for me. I'll stick to my Commodore, thank you very much," detective Grammer says to detective McNinja. Behind him, detective Cheez is doing some impressive eyebrow raising.
Meanwhile, detective Red Beret had been poking around in the ectoplasm. "I really don't see any evidence to support your claims, Detective Grammer."
"We will leave no theory unturned!" detective Grammer exclaims. Stars starts singing in the background.
"Wait... that ectoplasm looks like..." detective Cheez sputters off and suddenly sports a moustache. "MCNINJA! Tell me you didn't!"
"Like a man with a moustache?" detective Red Beret asks.
Detective Cheez' moustache seems to morph for a moment, before retracting back into his face.
Detective Red Beret shoves detective Cheez's face into the ectoplasm. "I see where you were going with that."
Detective Cheez' face slowly melts.
"Don't tell me McNinja came so hard he blasted this place!" detective Grammer said, and pulled a little back.
“Ow! i did it again,” comes from beyond the great fourth wall beyond the sky.
"Why, McNinja? Every chance you get," detective Sammich said.
"I certainly did not! Guro is Grammer's forte, not mine," detective McNinja said, while looking slightly offended.
"Slander. I don't touch the stuff," detective Grammer said, before quickly glancing around him. “I fuck it...”
Detective Cheez' face respawns. "Hey, hell is in McNinja's bedroom, the ghost could be evil."
Detective Red Beret pulled on gloves. "You do what, now?"
"Do you really want to know?" detective Cheez asked him.
"Let the ghost come to me, and I will purge it of its sins! WITH LIFE SEEDS!" detective Grammer said. With a very loud voice.
"I would agree that this must happen. But I would prefer to do so prior,” detective Sammich said.
"I have an idea! This will get you closer to the ghost!" detective Red Beret said, and stabbed Grammer.
"Nananananananananana GHOSTBUSTERSMAN!" detective Cheez sings. Bits of rubble flee from his penetrating voice.
Detective Sammich put ham on Grammer's face. "And this will...Well, I'm not sure what it'll do, but it'll help."
Detective Grammer ensures that the ghost gets busted. Unfortunately, the busting material is not immaterial. It's sticky, though. And everywhere.
"A few more times should do it." detective Red Beret said and stabed detective Grammer some more, with great enthusiasm.
Detective Cheez uses some of the busting material to glue stones to detective Sammich.
"Busting, eh? I think we may need the help of Adam Savage..." detective McNinja said.
"YES, MY SEED HAS PURGED THE GHOST!" detective Grammer shouts, and returns to life.
“OOh, I just sliced off some fingernail...”can be heard from that fourth wall.
“Are you JUGGLING it or something?” another voice exclaims, from roughly the same place.
“Yes. At least I'm not using the machete,” the first voice says.
Detective Red Beret starts taking pictures again, like he's supposed to, before detective Cheez grabs the pictures.
"This is a glorious day in Barbababaville," detective Sammich exclaimed and looked at the sky. There's crack in it, from where the fourth wall too a pounding.
"Next time, ask first. Snatching is rude," detective Cheez said.
Detective Red Beret took the pictures back. "As you said before, 'smeg off!'” he exclaimed and dumped detective Cheez in an unmarked evidence bag. You know, the kind usually used to store stuff the detectives will smoke on their time off.
"Detective Sammich, have you identified the subject yet?" detective Grammer asked.
"YAY! I R EVIDANCE!" detective Cheez exclaimed and danced about in the evidence bag.
"After extensive research," detective Sammich said and zipped up his pants and pocketed a burrito, "I declare this subject to be one Urma Gooberbutt."
"No I'm not!" detective Cheez said, while projecting indignance.
"Also known as... Jackal," detective Reb Beret added.
While the others squabble, detective McNinja watches as the evidence dispenser despenses Cheezs. "Egad!"
"No, the other subject. With the legs." Detective Sammich shook his head.
"Egad indeed, you son of the britches!" detective Cheez said.
"Oh. Then this one must be Alucard," detective Red Beret said.
"But isn't he immortal? Or was that immoral? I always confuse those,” Detective Grammer said, somewhat confused.
"Possibly, but that doesn't mean he can't be a smear,” detective Cheez said.
"I was a smear once. It was a lovely day," detective Sammich added.
"That's true. You think we can have him on bread? Or is he better as sauce?" detective Grammer speculated.
"With pasta, I'd say," detective Cheez said.
"He was merely immoral. You see, he was basically reverse Dracula. He spouted blood and died sooner, versus drinking it and staying alive," detective Red Beret clarified the matter, to everyone's great confusion.
"Don't most people do that?" detective Cheez wondered.
"I think bread would be fine. Just not my bread," detective Sammich said.
"Then that means Dracula was not normal!" detective McNinja exclaimed.
"Any man who can't stand garlic or crosses is abnormal. Duh!" detective Grammer said.
"yeah, garlic is yummy,” detective Cheez said and nummed down a few cloves of the stuff.
The smer stayed just where it was.
"Indeed, garlic bread is most excellent," detective McNinja said.
Detecitve Cheez is momentarily pre-occupied with salivating on the floor.
"It would seem the smear is not affected by garlic," detective Grammer observed.
"What about onions?" detective Cheez asked, before eating some. After a moments thought, he offered some to the smear too. It gracefully accepted the offering and nummed it down.
Just then, detective Red Beret suddenly combusts. After a lot of screaming and running around, he steps on an undetonated mortar shell and becomes a very, very dead smear. That wears a red beret.
Detective Cheez puts out the remains of detective Red Beret. A wild badger immediately snatches the remains and runs off with them.
"Yes, good idea, perhaps it will start raining," detective McNinja said.
"And then his epic fire can tell the rain "PISS OFF, I AM FEUER!" detective Cheez said. "Meaning good weather for all!"
"And eternal drought!"detective McNinja added. "A masterful plan indeed!"
"Umm, guys? Our crime is trying to sneak off. Could someone please put it in a jar or something? If there is no body, there's nothing for us to do, and we can't have that," a worried detective Grammer says. And is promptly ignored.
"Well yeah, then we can make a fortune selling water."detective Cheez said, and wrapped the smear in clingfilm.
Detective Sammich put the clingfilm in the baggy with the rest of the smear.
Detective Sammich put the baggy in another baggy made of dogs, then put that baggy in a plastic baggy.
Then detective Cheez put the baggy in a cat.
"I would still like to know who The Smear is, though. It could give us a lead on who killed it," detective Grammer said. "If, indeed, someone did kill it. What if The Smear is a life form?"
"Isn't The Smear one of those comic superheroes?" detective Cheez asked.
"Never heard of him. Must be a total tosser," detective Grammer answered.
"Nah, The Tossers are awesome,” detective Cheez said.
"Yes, sounds even worse than Monotone Man," detective Mcninja said.
"I've already told you, The Smear is Urma Gooberbutt," detective Sammich said.
"But you're not known for being correct, Detective Sammich,” detective Grammer said.
"Or for deductive logic," detective McNinja added.
"That's merely 95.294789202027457392% of the time, however,” detective sammich said, while trying to sound offended.
"You were correct last Monday, when you predicted we would eat donuts. You've used your quota for now," detective Grammer said.
"But I ate shortbread," detective Cheez said.
"That was Wednesday," detective Grammer corrected him.
"Those doughnuts were splendid. More meat than last time, but eh...Who's counting," detective Sammich said, mollified by the thought of donuts.
"I liked the holes. They were... useful," detective Grammer said, with a dreamy look.
"Perhaps we should use some form of scientific analysis to deduce it's identity?" detective McNinja said, and fetched a mass spectrometer from the dispenser.
"That would possibly be helpful," detective Grammer said.
Detective Cheez, on the other hand, goes back to the roots of detecting and uses a magnifying glass. All local glass, not that there's much of it, is magnified.
Meanwhile, detective Sammich has manged to get his forehead to grow to 10x its orginal size. "Goddammit. Not this shit AGAIN. I can't work under these conditions." He triped over himself.
"I never knew breadbrows could grow in glass..." detective Cheez said.
"Egad! I've heard of a glass jaw, but this is something else..." detective McNinja burst out.
"They can! Remember? I thought I told you," detective Sammich said.
"No, that was Zheec," detective Cheez said.
"Detective Sammich, please get your body under control, you're obscuring the evidence. AND WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT EVIDENCE!?” detective Grammer shouted. Really loud.
"Norway?" detective Cheez suggested.
"Indeed! And who wants to be there?" detective Grammer asked.
"Me," detective Cheez answered.
"But you're crazy. You know how expensive bears are up there?"detective Grammer once again asked a question.
"Twelve dollars?" detective Sammich tried.
"But... but... Norway is awesome to the fawesome," detective Cheez said.
Meanwhile, detecive Sammich is desperately trying to shrink his head. Oh, and detective Cheez' magnifying glass ceases to exist.
"Detective Sammich knows his currencies," detective Grammer commented.
"Well, acording to this machine making whirring noises with all the flashing lights, the smear is... Sammich!" detective McNinja broke in. The result had been clear for a while, but with the others babbling like crazed baboons on speed, he had yet to get a word in. “dun-dun DUUUN” could be heard from some indeterminable source.
"But Sammich is right here. There's been no murder, then," detective Grammer exclaimed.
And so, they ate the evidence, traded the case for a barrel of ale and detective Sammich turned into a pile of doughnuts. All was happy.
But...was the pile truly a pile of doughnuts? Or was it a pile of Sammiches pretending to be doughnuts? The world may never know. "HMWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMBURGERS."
"Damn, I really love doing donuts," detective Grammer exclaimed.
Perhaps Sammich wasn't that lucky, after all.
"You pervert," detective Cheez said. "I hope those poor doughnuts gave consent first."
"Of course. I'm not some common rapist, you know. And I paid up front, too," detective Grammer said.
“Good, good. carry on then,” detective Cheez nodded his approval.
"Of course, sir," detective Grammer said.
"Need a napkin?" detective Mcninja asked.
"No no, I'm just using this here waitress," detective Grammer answered.
The doughnuts are giggling uncontrollably.
I'm starting to smell a couple of traditions beginning to form.