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Author Topic: Bill... From Accounting!  (Read 8390 times)
Log!
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« on: November 18, 2009, 04:34:54 am »

Because this is in my head and I can't sleep until it comes out.

NOTE: This is not a serious story, so don't get your panties in a twist about anything in it, yeah?


Chapter 1, In which Bill encounters a wild predator.

 My name is Thomas Bard, and I'm here to tell you the story of a very close friend of mine. The story of one Bill Thanders, a truly extraordinary man.
 I remember the day that I started working here at Money Corp, a rather large business dealing with money and all things related to it. The sky was completely overcast, and rain was coming down so hard that the streets resembled small rivers. I stumbled into the looming sky scraper, sopping wet and clutching my briefcase tight to my chest, as though it would protect me from the curious stares of my soon-to-be peers. Quickly making my way to the elevator, I kept my gaze down as much as I could to avoid making eye contact. Once inside, I pushed the button for the sixth floor, thankful that I was alone as the doors began to close. Much to my chagrin, I heard someone shout "Hold the elevator!" before the doors could close all the way. To this very day, I do not know what made me thrust my briefcase into the gap that morning. I've spent so much time trying to convince myself that it was simply chance, that I simply felt some compassion for this stranger, but ... I'm starting to doubt that, starting to think that it was something more.
 The doors slowly opened, and that was the first time I saw him. He was an ordinary man, then. Almost six feet tall, with slightly long brown hair, wearing a white button up shirt with a blue tie and black slacks, there wasn't really anything separating him from anyone else I had glimpsed at out of the corner of my eye during my rush to the elevator.
 "Ah, Seventy Fifth floor. You're the new guy in our department then?" he asked.
 "Yeah." I mumbled back, staring at the door of the elevator, trying to avoid looking at him.
 "My name's Bill." he said, extending a hand to me.
 "Tom," I replied, "But... Most people just call me Bard."
 "Bard?" He asked, laughing, "I like that. Good nick name. So, what do you think of this building, eh? Biggest in the city. Though, I suppose the company can afford it, yeah?" I laughed and nodded as the elevator doors began to open. "Well, Looks like this is our stop. I guess it's up to me to show you around the office, then."
 I'll spare you a bit here, and give you the short version. Over the next few months, I slowly became more and more comfortable with the people around the office, and Bill and I became close friends. But, eventually, I started noticing that Bill started losing some of his luster, showing up to work looking tired and unkempt. His zeal, his bravado, seemed to disappear. It was almost like he was a shoe on the wrong foot, sort of right, but not completely. Then, one day, everything changed.
 It started like any other, that day. I woke up early in the morning, went through the motions, slowly waking up as I made my way to work. I remember seeing Bill walking into his office as I made my way from the elevator to my desk. He looked as though he'd been up all night. His eyes were red, his shirt wasn't completely tucked in, and he had dark stubble covering his chin. I worried about him for a while, but figured it would be best to let him be for a while, as he looked like he needed some time to himself. I sat down at my desk and began my work, and remained that way for the next few hours.
 Then, without warning, it started. I heard glass shattering from across the office, and immediately felt and heard the rushing of wind. Something had come in. There was a noise from across the office, one unlike any that I'd ever heard, some strange mix between the wails of a crying widow and the roar of a jungle cat. It was followed closely by a crash and a masculine scream. Terrified, I stood up from my chair to see what was happening, and that was when I saw it. It was a horrifying beast, resembling a large cat, but with shaggy fur. It's coat was a deep purple, offset with large black stripes, and it's long tail split about halfway down into three scaly whips ending with sharp looking barbs. But it's face, that is what truly chilled me to the core. It's head, much like it's body, resembled that of a tiger, only it lacked skin of any kind. The muscles were bright red, and it's horrible blue eyes and razor sharp teeth were constantly bared.
 It reared back on two legs and let out that frightening howl once more, and my muscles tightened with fear. It dropped back down to all fours and it's head slowly turned to me. I was unable to run as it began to move towards me, padding in between cubicles, it's eyes trained on me as it went. Paralyzed with fear, I could only watch it come closer and closer until finally, we were face to face. It sniffed at me, then growled quietly, it's breath heavy with the scent of rotting meat. It's blue eyes stared into mine, and I was sure my time was near as it drew it's head back and began to part it's jaws. Then, suddenly, as the beast was surely about to bite, a cup, full of steaming cappuccino, sailed through the air and collided with the side of the creature's face, splashing the both of us with the scalding brew.
 The beast yowled in pain and quickly whipped around, determined to find the source of the mocha assault. The creature froze as it spotted it's prey, and I turned to see who saved my life. Bill in the open door of the office, the wind whipping at his tie, gripping a stapler in one hand and holding the free one open, towards the creature.
 "Leave this place, foul beast, for there is work to be done, and your continued presence will hinder it's completion greatly!" he shouted. The beast, unimpressed by this display of bravery, leaped at Bill, vicious claws extended. Bill, who was expecting this attack, leaped toward the fiendish cat and collided with it mid-air. My breath caught in my throat as I watched Bill wrestle the beast to the ground, pinning it beneath him. He raised the stapler high, then brought it down upon the beast's head with a loud "K-chik!". Bill continued to pound staples into the beast's face as it writhed beneath him in pain. It whipped it's barbed tail against his back again and again, shredding his shirt and ripping long gashes in his back. It even managed to rake it's claws across his chest, cutting deep wounds into him, but Bill continued the offensive. The monster's gruesome face shone with metal as Bill brought the stapler down one last time, ejecting the final staple into the monster's exposed muscle. Out of staples, Bill tossed his weapon aside and resumed his attack using only his fists. Time and time again he struck the beast, and eventually, the monster slowed it's attacks, and it's breath became labored as blood began to leak from it's mouth.
 His victory close at hand, Bill moved over the beast and pinned it's neck down with his knee. He grabbed both sides of the monster's head tightly, and the muscles in his arms and neck began to bulge as he started pulling. The creature started struggling once more, it's pain apparent, but it's death, at this point, was assured. A mighty bellow came from Bill as his face turned a deep crimson, turning into a terrifying visage of complete bloodthirst. The monster's horrible voiced joined with Bill's as the sound of muscles and sinews snapping filled the room. Blood spurted from where Bill's fingers had penetrated the monster's flesh, and the creature's voice died out as it's head came away from it's body.
 Holding his gruesome trophy aloft by a length of spinal cord, Bill turned his face upward and let out a mighty bellow of victory. As he screamed, I felt the hair on my body begin to stand up, and Bill's voice began to stretch and warp, and suddenly, there was a great flash of blue, and I was blasted away from Bill, slamming into my desk, then over it, into the wall behind me.
 The light faded, and what I saw before me was a sight I will never forget. There stood Bill in his ragged white button up and torn black slacks, completely changed. He had grown a foot and a half, and his face now had deep lines in it with a dim blue light shining from them. His eyes were now merely two orbs, glowing that same blue color. Two large horns protruded from his forehead, curving upward and ending in sharp points. He no longer held the head of a vile feline, he now held a mighty doubled sided axe, with the same glowing blue lines as his face, and on his hand he had a white gauntlet, made from the skull of the creature he murdered.
 "B-Bill? Is... That you, man? Are you okay?"
Bill looked down at me, his eyes glowing softly, then he looked down at himself, his shirt half tucked in, his frayed pants now reaching only to his knees, and a smile crossed his face.
 "No... It is not me. I am no longer Bill Thanders. I... I am Bill...From Accounting!"
« Last Edit: November 18, 2009, 11:49:59 am by Log! » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2009, 02:00:09 pm »

...


...

*Clap*

*Clap*

*Clap*

Wowza.
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« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2009, 03:16:32 pm »

XD Hahahah, awesome. I think every promotion should be done that way.
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« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2009, 06:30:34 pm »

Lol! Totally awesomely epic. >.<
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« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2009, 06:56:06 pm »

*Giggles uncontrollably.*

Highly enjoyable. So, did you want me to pick it apart for you?
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« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2009, 07:00:36 pm »

Yeah, I do. Don't be too harsh!
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« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2009, 07:23:42 pm »

First and foremost, either space or indent your paragraphs. Spacing is internet formatting (for ease of reading), indenting is everything else formatting (so you can see where the paragraph is. Oh, and ease of reading.)

To be honest, the first paragraph is fairly uninteresting. Might be because it's about accountants and I admit I'm not sure if it can be made more interesting. And while it makes the start of the story a bit condensed and limits how well we know the narrator, I think condensing through the normal office life was a good move. Unless you can and want to make office work become interesting. What you could do is try to do is to see if you can liven up the very first line a little. The second line work, because you'd like to see why Bill is extraordinary, but the first one... not so much. See if you can play around a little to really hook the reader from the word go.

And to go a little against what I just said: if you ever want to expand on the story, make the part with Bill becoming more and more haggard longer. Show how he deteriorates instead of kicking us through it. That also gives room for some character development of both Bill and the narrator. That's perhaps the biggest weakness here. While Bill is obviously awesome, I, the reader don't know him, and so don't really give a shit. Same with the narrator. We've been told a few things about them, but don't really know the characters, which makes it hard to care about any of them getting gobbled up.

I'd also suggest you play a bit around with Bill's line before assaulting the cat thing. As one-liners go, it comes across as a rather awkward mouthful. Same goes for a few other places. Read around a bit and see if you can smoothen out the prose, because some of it comes across as a little awkward and slows down reading. I would look for more examples of this, but it's almost 2 in the morning and I can't be bothered.

So yeah, hope that helps a little. And all of it is, of course, up for discussion. It's not like I'm an expert.
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« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2009, 07:27:22 pm »

Ah, that was significantly less painful than I was expecting. Most of it is stuff I kicked myself this morning for, as I barely remember most of the writing process. And, as far as the long and awkward one liner, I was aiming for that in an attempt to be funny. Apparently, that failed.
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« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2009, 07:31:26 pm »

Haha, nice. If you want the line to be awkward, I would suggest you make it more so. As it is, it balances, precariously, on the edge between slightly funny and somewhat clumsy. It's not really obvious where it wants to be. By making it more awkward, you also make it plain that 'that's how it's to be, now laugh, dammit!'

So, will there be more of this?
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« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2009, 07:33:13 pm »

I'm thinking so, I'm just sort of testing the waters at the moment.
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« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2009, 07:35:01 pm »

Then I'll look forward to it Grin
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« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2009, 11:42:47 pm »

One suggestion I would like to add is, instead of repeating the color as "blue" and the markings as "lines" try adding just a bit of flair to it.  something such as : "His eyes were now two orbs of cerulean, matching the azure streaks on his skin."
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« Reply #12 on: November 18, 2009, 11:48:06 pm »

Yeah, at that point I was really fighting with myself to try and find a better way of wording that, but just kind of gave up so I could sleep.
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« Reply #13 on: November 18, 2009, 11:50:42 pm »

that's no problem.  I really liked the story as a whole, although the beginning was a bit slow.  But like Grammer said, what can you expect from an accounting building? LOL.

Other than that, I really would like to see more of this type of stuff.  And as for the "one-liner" I think it was pretty good.  It totally made me go "huhwha?  why is he talking like Gandalf?"
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« Reply #14 on: November 19, 2009, 08:59:26 am »

Oh, the difference between critics >.<

I would never recommend you use words like 'cerulean' or 'azure whatevers'. In my opinion, it does not add flair, it just looks silly. To be honest, there are some phrases you'll only find in really, really cheesy works. Or at least, that's what I connect it with. To me, flair is something you get from the presentation as a whole, not from using big words. And it takes a little practice to get it just right.

The one-liner really varies between readers. If in doubt, shoot the critics and got with what you feel is right. Just don't go completely overboard.
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