The Zombie Hunters Forum: WE GO THERE.
October 20, 2014, 04:54:07 pm *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: I'm having a fucking BLAST.  See this?  This is my "HAVING A FUCKING BLAST" face!!!
 
   Home   Help Search Calendar Login Register  
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Writing Project  (Read 3255 times)
Jetraymongoose
The Waffle King!
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3656


Time Lord

markjohnson_303@hotmail.com
View Profile
« on: November 18, 2009, 04:10:09 pm »

So instead of 3 or 4 different threads, I'm doing it in one.
If you notice any mistakes, please let me know. The files didn't transfer so well cause my school computers use a different program.
So in my writers craft class was given a project a while ago to write a bunch of semi-short stories. I have 2 for today, and my giant one for tomorrow.

The Tortoise and the Hare
By: Mark Johnson

Once upon a time .... there was a hare who boasted he could run faster than anyone else. The hare teased the tortoise for being so slow. "You are such a slowpoke!" he said.
Finally, one day, the tortoise had had enough. He answered back: "Hare, I challenge you to a race!"
"HA!" laughed the hare. "Beaten in a race? By you? Why, I'm so speedy, there's nobody in the world that can win against me."
"We will see," said the tortoise.
A course was planned, down the wooded path, through the meadow and across the road to the finish line. The next day at dawn they stood at the starting line. The hare yawned sleepily as the tortoise trudged off. When the hare saw how very slow the tortoise was, he decided to have a quick nap. "Take your time!" he said. "I'll have forty winks and catch up with you in a minute."

The hare woke with a start and looked around for the tortoise, but the tortoise was only a short distance away, having barely covered a third of the course. "I might as well have breakfast, too!" said the hare. Off he went to munch some cabbages he had noticed in a nearby field, but the heavy meal and the hot sun made him sleepy again. With a glance at the tortoise, now halfway along the course, he decided to have another snooze before flashing past the winning post. Soon he fell fast asleep and was snoring happily. The sun started to sink below the horizon, and the tortoise, who had been plodding towards the winning post since morning, was scarcely a yard from the finish.

The Hare jumped up with a startle and started to run, as fast as he could towards the end of the track. He passed the turtle right by the field. He turned around and shouted "Aha, not so fast now are you?"Right then a hunter appeared at the edge of the meadow and shot the Hare. The Hare forget it was the middle of hunting season. "Aha, serves you right," said the Tortoise as he passed the Hares dead body.

The Tortoise continued the race, humming merrily as he came to the road. He stopped before he crossed and said, it doesn't matter now, I win the race no matter what!@ He started cross the road and was just about across when a transport truck came by and hit the Tortoise. He went flying into the ditch by the road and never finished the race.

The morale of the story is: never stick a fork in a toaster.







Opening Lines

When Polar Bears Attack!


I could tell the minute I closed the door that I was not staying at school today. AWow, am I that late? It=s only 8:15, on a freaking Tuesday and nobody is walking. Man, I=m totally going to be late today.@ It was a brisk winter day. Snow had not yet fallen, but it was close. Clouds loomed over head as the lone boy walked down the street to his school. "Not even cars are out. Maybe my clock and watch are wrong... Nah can't be. This is weird, oh well I gotta get to class." He continued to walk down the street, still thinking where everybody could be. "This is just weird... Maybe somebody can tell me what's up when I get to school..." he thought to himself as he reached the lights. He pressed the crosswalk button, but it didn't matter. There wasn't a car in sight. "I'll just cross anyways, it isn't like there is any cars around" he said aloud to himself. He tucked his hands back into is coat pockets and crossed the street. His head kept turning because he was always looking for any signs of life.

A couple minutes passed and he finally arrived at the top of the school=s driveway. "Oh see? Cars are all there, I was just late is all, nothing to worry about." He began to walk down the sidewalk lining the exit from the school. He arrived in the parking lot and noticed the cars. Some if not most of the doors were open, and one or two of them were left on. "Freaking drivers. They really suck. I'm so glad I walk. Saving the environment, what do they do to try and save the planet? Nothing, that's what" he thought to himself as he approached the school doors. He turned around to see if anybody was behind him, but the walkway in front of the doors were empty. "Oh, its beginning to snow at last" he said to himself as the snow flakes started to flitter down from the cloudy sky. He walked into the school, and started to head down the hallway towards his lockers. "Everybody must be in class already. Man today is weird" he whispered to himself as he walked quietly down the hallway. He suddenly heard some loud noise coming from an adjacent hallway beside him. "Oh it's probably just the shop class down their working on something...." He continued to walk down the hallway towards his locker.

His lock clinked around as he fidgeted with the dial to unlock it. "I'm kind of surprised nobody is telling me to keep it down... Meh oh well." With that he got his locker open and started to put his coat and his hat and scarf inside his locker. AI think I might text Thomas or somebody and see if they know what's happening."
 
He grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it open, and started typing. A minute or two went by when he got an answer from Thomas. Where are you? You gotta get to class, like right now. Shit is going down! "Crap he thought to himself, I guess we got in trouble for something." He started walking hurriedly towards his class room. He got to his class on the other side of the school and tried to open the door, but it was locked. He heard something heavy being moved on the other side of the door, and the somebody look out through the little window in the door which was covered in some kind of material. Suddenly, he was grabbed by the front of his shirt and thrown into the class. Mark landed with a splutter on the cold tiled floor. "Whoa whoa whoa, what the hell is going on?" yelled Mark. He took a second to look around the class. Tables were moved about to be in front of the door, and only five other people from his class were there.
"Did you see them?!?" asked the one girl frantically.
"Yeah, how did you escape them?" pipped up another boy from the other side of the little group now standing around Mark.
"Uh, it would be nice if I knew what the hell you guys were talking about!" exclaimed Mark. "Those giant rabid polar bears out there" said another boy.


AWait what? Are you serious? Some polar bear attacked everybody? This is seriously messed up. I didn=t see anybody outside. Literally nobody. You guys are insane I=m leaving.@ Mark started to walk towards the door before the group leaped up from the table they were sitting on and held Mark back.
"No, you can=t go out there@ yelled the one boy.
 "Thomas, you know we have to get out of here. We can=t stay in here. If this is all true, then they have probably attacked the whole town" said Mark glaring at the group. Just then the power went out in the school.
 "Crap, we are so done for" muttered Thomas.
 "Okay, now we are screwed" said one of the other girls who had been quiet this whole time. They moved the tables and opened the door. It was dark. Really dark. The clouds over head outside were big enough that they blocked out the sun completely throwing the school into perpetual darkness as the small group crept down the hallway. They could hear loud noises coming from all over, and bangs and thuds that would pop up every so often.
AWe gotta get upstairs" whispered Thomas. Everybody nodded their heads in agreement. They found the closest stairwell and started climbing the stairs. It was darker in here then anywhere. They couldn't see anything at all. They could barely see their hands right in front of their eyes. The doors at either entrance to the stairwell let in a little amount of light. Just enough to see a bit. They got about half up the stairs and onto the landing when one of the boys at the back of the group started to scream.
"Oh god they got me! Run, run for your lives, ah!!!" screamed the boy. Everybody started to run quickly up the stairs. One of the girls tripped over a stair and fell. Mark turned around and grabbed her hands to pull her up, but something was holding her back.
god the bears got you" yelled Mark as he tried to pull the girl up. They overpowered him and pulled her back into the darkness. No!" he yelled. He picked himself up and started running now. The group was a little bit a head of him. Something suddenly ran out of a open class room and tackled one of the boys.
Oh god, there is only three of us left. Oh god oh god oh god@ he thought as he ran past the class amid blood curdling screams. The three of them made it outside of the library and ran in. They quickly started to move tables in front of the doors. There was just enough light from outside coming through the giant windows  that they could see better then in stairwell. They huddled in the corner as the bears started pounding on the doors. They could hear something like growling over the constant pounding.
Oh god what do we do now?" asked the girl frantically as tears poured down her face.
Logged

All of time and space, anywhere and everywhere, any star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
Grammer
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7033


Kehehehehehe!

vile-grimoire@hotmail.com
View Profile Email
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2009, 04:37:34 pm »

What programs do you use for text, and does your school use Microsoft Office?

I guess the problem with the first story is that it makes absolutely no sense. While I don't have much of a problem with that, others probably will. Especially literary teachers with a minimum of competence. Your problem here is that the original fable (was it a fable, or a tale? I think it was a fable) had a purpose. Mainly that pride and arrogance leads to a humiliating defeat. When the hare is no longer defeated by that, but by arbitrary outside forces, and the turtle then is squished, just... what? Why did you do that? what is the purpose of doing so?

The second story... please do correct the sign mistakes, they are bloody annoying >.< And there's a few letters in there that shouldn't be, especially capitals.
To me at least, the polar bear story fails to build suspense. So there's no one around? Ehm, yes? try to build up a little atmosphere. Maybe a few abandoned items around? And the stick about environmentalism when he sees the cars, don't. Or at least find a subtler way of getting the point across. Generally, you will want to shy away from heavy moralizing in a story, as part of the point is to be subtle about it. When I read something, I don't want to be hit in the face with a brick that has "AUTHOR'S VIEW" written on it. Getting a pamphlet stuck in my back pocket is, however, just fine. Essentially, the mention adds nothing to the story, and might jerk me out of the suspension of disbelief. In my case, it did.

So yeah, there's my pound.
Logged

Cute: Anything that will bring a horrible death upon unwanted visitors.


You know when they warn you about some crazy showing up here? That's me they're talking about. Tea?
Jetraymongoose
The Waffle King!
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3656


Time Lord

markjohnson_303@hotmail.com
View Profile
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2009, 04:41:02 pm »

The fable assignment was to change the ending, and yes, I'm really sorry about it all. I tried to clear up as many mistakes as I could see. The polar bear one wasn't supposed to be taken seriously. I should have mentioned it sooner.
Logged

All of time and space, anywhere and everywhere, any star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
Log!
Skooma Addict
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 13502


THROW A BLANKET OVER IT!

Losmosquitos42@hotmail.com Losmosquitos42
View Profile WWW
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2009, 04:48:15 pm »

Why don't I get that kind of constructive criticism?
Logged

At least, that's what I think.
Grammer
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7033


Kehehehehehe!

vile-grimoire@hotmail.com
View Profile Email
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2009, 04:52:56 pm »

@Log: Because I needed to distract myself from Jane Eyre and this was displayed in the "new post" thingy at the side. If you want, I can chop into your story when I'm a little further into Jane. Unless I'm drunk at that point...

Even so, I'm not sure killing both is a very good solution >.< But hey, that's me. What you should keep in mind is that what you do should have some purpose. You, the author, have to know why you're doing something. That's the important bit. Especially when it comes to writing assignments, always know why you do things. It might not count now, but it will later, if you keep pursuing writing. So, any special reason why you killed them both, apart from "it's what the assignment said to do"?

And don't you dare use "it wasn't meant to be taken seriously" as an excuse to me, young lady. Now go to you room! There will be no dinner for you! A non-serious story should be enjoyable. In fact, I greatly enjoy such stories and I really like writing them myself. There's no reason for a writer not to take a non-serious story seriously. Getting hit in the face with author morals is not enjoyable. The notable exception being if the writer is Warren Ellis and the story is called "Transmetropolitan".

Do keep in mind that I do consider writing fairly serious business and I know I can go a bit overboard >.<
Logged

Cute: Anything that will bring a horrible death upon unwanted visitors.


You know when they warn you about some crazy showing up here? That's me they're talking about. Tea?
Jetraymongoose
The Waffle King!
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3656


Time Lord

markjohnson_303@hotmail.com
View Profile
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2009, 07:59:01 pm »

Thanks. I was going to post my good story after i had it edited, but since these ones are garbage, I wont then.
Logged

All of time and space, anywhere and everywhere, any star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
Grammer
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7033


Kehehehehehe!

vile-grimoire@hotmail.com
View Profile Email
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2009, 08:08:33 pm »

Please, do post the story. The I will look at it and try to help you make it even better. That's the entire point. That, and to think when you write >.<
Or to look at it another way, you're right now getting a crash course in university-level writing theory and literary criticism. As applied to you. Be happy. Grab the opportunity. It looks like I won't sleep too much today anyway.
Logged

Cute: Anything that will bring a horrible death upon unwanted visitors.


You know when they warn you about some crazy showing up here? That's me they're talking about. Tea?
Jetraymongoose
The Waffle King!
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 3656


Time Lord

markjohnson_303@hotmail.com
View Profile
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2009, 08:15:01 pm »

Well thank god im going to college for game design
Logged

All of time and space, anywhere and everywhere, any star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
Grammer
Apprentice Zombie Hunter
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Posts: 7033


Kehehehehehe!

vile-grimoire@hotmail.com
View Profile Email
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2009, 08:18:35 pm »

Hey, this is my idea of fun Grin So go on, post your stories. Shoot things at me, and you might possibly end up a bit ahead. Or with a knife in some essential squishy bit, depending on the shooting you do.

While I will hammer your work, I also try to suggest how you might improve it.
Logged

Cute: Anything that will bring a horrible death upon unwanted visitors.


You know when they warn you about some crazy showing up here? That's me they're talking about. Tea?
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.19 | SMF © 2013, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!