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Author Topic: THE LEVIATHAN.  (Read 1632 times)
Stan
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« on: December 09, 2009, 09:18:53 pm »

Just something for school. Not that great, we had to make a story about a peice of mystery music.

This is just a start. I'll add later I'm completely open for some disscussion, and maybe something i could change.

(can you guess where this debuted?  Wink)

The Leviathan

Nathaniel Archibald Leviticus, stood at the freshly-waxed down, dark-lacquered hardwood deck of his almost completed contraption, and surveyed the view that was available to him. Just one more day! He thought, his excitement was almost too much to bear, He leaned against the gold rail, looking that the impending sky.

Some people would call Leviticus eccentric, others, brave, but it didn’t really mater, because he was too rich, and too blissful to care about other’s thoughts on him.

“ENGINEERS!” Leviticus exclaimed, “IN JUST FEW, FLEATING HOURS, WE SHALL BE SURVEYING THE CLOUDS FORMING, WE SHALL BE THE FIRST GROUP OF SCIENTITIONS TO TRAVEL BY THE SKYLINE, YET THIS WORK WILL BE FOR NOT IF ITS NOT FINISHED, SO STEP TO!” the broad, rigid mountain of a man known as Nathaniel Archibald Leviticus, clad in journeyman’s clothes underneath his welder’s jacket
Was, indeed, excited as a child at Christmastime, but of course, he knew to contain it.

   The engineers, however, they’re excitement was not as broad as Leviticus’. Yet they still wanted this contraption to be completed, all of those years, figuring schematics, reasearching steam-tesla technology, and not to mention stabilizing the ramifications of plasma coil heating, they wanted to see this thing work, and come hell or high water, they would. So they flew through their work, like machines, they were.
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If you're gonna do that shit, do it about one of those ontario elections that always end in the cops chasing a rapist around a tim hortons or some shit.
Cheez
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Rawra?

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« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2009, 09:50:14 pm »

The Leviathan

Nathaniel Archibald Leviticus,1 stood at the freshly-waxed down, dark-lacquered hardwood deck of his almost completed contraption,1 and surveyed the view that was available to him. Just one more day! He thought, his excitement was almost too much to bear,2 He leaned against the gold rail, looking that3 the impending sky4.

Some people would call Leviticus eccentric, others, brave, but it didn’t really mater5, because he was too rich,1 and too blissful to care about other’s thoughts on him.

“ENGINEERS!8” Leviticus exclaimed, “IN JUST FEW, FLEATING5 HOURS, WE SHALL BE SURVEYING THE CLOUDS FORMING, WE SHALL BE THE FIRST GROUP OF SCIENTITIONS6 TO TRAVEL BY THE SKYLINE, YET THIS WORK WILL BE FOR NOT7 IF ITS NOT FINISHED, SO STEP TO!8” the broad, rigid mountain of a man known as Nathaniel Archibald Leviticus9, clad in journeyman’s clothes underneath his welder’s jacket 10
Was, indeed, excited as a child at Christmastime, but of course, he knew to contain it.

   The engineers, however, they’re11 excitement was not as broad as Leviticus’. Yet they still wanted this contraption to be completed, all of those years, figuring schematics, reasearching5 steam-tesla technology, and not to mention stabilizing the ramifications of plasma coil heating, they wanted to see this thing work,1 and come hell or high water, they would. So they flew through their work, like machines, they were.

1 Comma not needed.

2 Comma should be a full stop.

3 Should be 'at', not 'that'

4 makes no sense

5 spelling error

6 Not sure if this is intentional, but WTF is a scientition?

7 Should be 'naught', not 'not'.

8 ALL CAPS LOOKS SHITE.

9 You don't need to repeat his name.

10 Why the new line here. You shouldn't have even broken the sentence.

11 Should be 'their', not 'they're'
« Last Edit: December 09, 2009, 10:21:19 pm by Cheez » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2009, 10:01:14 pm »

my mind is boggled...
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Stan
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« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2009, 08:22:14 am »

Great. Now, how do i take these glaring errors with me to school?

Yes, i've always had a problem with commas. Even though ther is a poster on our wall with a perfect explanation on how to use them.

(like after a sentence, for instance)
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If you're gonna do that shit, do it about one of those ontario elections that always end in the cops chasing a rapist around a tim hortons or some shit.
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THROW A BLANKET OVER IT!

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« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2009, 08:29:25 am »

Periods go after sentences, not commas. Basically, if you pause there while speaking, you put in a comma.
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At least, that's what I think.
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