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Author Topic: Does this scene seem forced?  (Read 1426 times)
OMGzombies
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« on: July 31, 2010, 09:31:11 pm »

A friend I go to for writing help told me that this argument scene between two people seems way too forced. I'd like a second opinion so any input is appreciated. =)

“You know what? Fuck you ” Cassie heard a loud male voice echo through the corridor as she approached the stations conference room. As the heavy southern accent rang in her ears a strong feeling of apprehension washed over her. She knew exactly who the voice belonged to and with every step closer she felt her headache triple in intensity. She decided to add “easily angered” to her mental list of reasons she couldn’t stand Tyler. Cassie couldn’t remember how many reasons there were. She had lost count somewhere, but was almost sure this one had to be in the thirties. “Dude, calm down ” Another voice rang in her ear, yelling it defense. It was younger, softer, but little to appease her already throbbing head. She rolled her blue eyes back, turned the corner and followed Donnie into the room.

The room was circular and much larger then the one she was forced to work in. Already Cassie felt more comfortable and less cramped as she took a few steps inside. Covering half the walls were giant windows panes that seemed to open a direct portal into the stars. Beneath the windows laid a multitude of consoles controlling various arrays of the stations functions. All of which had numerous blinking lights and flickering screen displays with all sorts of system readouts. To her left was another corridor leading to another section of the station. Towards the middle of the room was a surgically white round table taking up most of the walking space. Surrounding it were 6 white chairs, all bolted down and immovable. Then she saw him. Standing there, next to the table in his fit of acentric rage was Tyler.

He was tall, muscular, and wore a green flight suit that had been unzipped which dangled around his waist. His hair was cut short, his square jaw well shaven, bearing a snarl in anger. In essence he looked very much like a stereotypical soldier that she’d see on recruiting commercials. She then added “walking cliche” to her mental list. He was standing next to a circular table in the middle of the room. One fist clenched at his side, the other pointing across the table like a dagger. Across the table, sitting in the cross-hair of Tyler’s piercing finger was Baaz. He sat there wearing a black flight suit along with an expression of distress. He looked unsure of what Tyler was possibly capable of in his fit rage. He had dark skin, with curly black hair and big brown eyes that beamed along with his nervous white grin. Baaz was younger then the rest of the crew and Cassie sometimes found it hard to believe that he was in his mid twenties. Despite that fact that he was a genius computer technician, there was something about his immaturity and youth that made him look far younger in her eyes.

“No, fuck you ” Tyler had started yelling again. “Dude, all I’m saying is that if you drink too much orange juice, boom, cancer. If you don’t drink enough orange juice, boom, cancer.” “Shut up  I’m sick of your bullshit conspiracies and how you ruin everything ” Tyler then closed the distance between the two by half and began to count on his fingers. “You ruined hot dogs, beer, swimming in pools, days that end in Y, masturbating more then four times a day, *Need more here*, for me. All I have left now is pussy ” “Dude, I...” Baaz was cut short when Tyler suddenly jumped up onto the table in front of him. He pulled out an enormous hunting knife and aimed it straight at Baaz’s throat. “And if you take pussy away from a man, there’s no telling what he might do. He might start to lash out in crazy ways, yaknow? After awhile, all that repressed sexual frustration starts to boil up. Not knowing how to get rid of it, he’ll start to become agressive...” Tyler grinned. “...and violent. Because the only kind of release he gets anymore, is when he feels the blade sink into your flesh.” Tyler cocked his head. “So what’s it gonna be kid?

Tyler paused for dramatic effect as he moved the knife closer to Baaz’s neck. “Now, either you tell me about how much you love pussy right now or I cut you up and use your blood for lubrication.” Baaz nervously looked towards Cassie and Donnie for help. “Donnie...” He said, his voice wavering hoping for any kind of response. Cassie looked at Donnie as he stared at the two for a moment. Taken aback he could only say the first thing that popped into his head. “That’s a big knife” he said outloud, emotionless. Not exactly sure how to react in the moment. Tyler beamed. He sat upright and turned towards Donnie holding up his knife. “Its my granddaddy’s.” He said twisting it in the light. “With this he killed seven Germans, three Koreans, and a Canadian for diversity. And now maybe an Indian if he doesn't learn to shut his fucking mouth!” Tyler turned back to Baaz............................................................. *more coming soon*
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« Reply #1 on: August 01, 2010, 08:55:37 am »

Well, it doesn't sound like an argument at all, it sounds more like an aggression. Tyler sounds like he enjoys fucking with Baaz for reasons that are so trivial that there's no way Baaz can avoid "causing" them. If you want Tyler to sound like an asshole who likes to intimidate victims for kicks, then that scene sounds about right. If they're in a situation of stress and he's snapping from pressure and taking it out on him, then the rant is too coherent, I'd have him move on to more direct insults and threats a lot faster.
It would also read better if the paragraph with all the talking was broken into smaller parts, it would be easier to follow who is talking. And the same with the description paragraph. Break it, one paragraph to describe each character, there are enough sentences to warrant it.
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OMGzombies
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« Reply #2 on: August 01, 2010, 07:06:53 pm »

Well, it doesn't sound like an argument at all, it sounds more like an aggression. Tyler sounds like he enjoys fucking with Baaz for reasons that are so trivial that there's no way Baaz can avoid "causing" them. If you want Tyler to sound like an asshole who likes to intimidate victims for kicks, then that scene sounds about right.

That's exactly what I was going for. Also, I broke up everything inna rush job just so it wouldn't be one giant mass of text to read. But I'll definitely keep that in mind. Thanks for the input!
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