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Author Topic: Poetry  (Read 1816 times)
Jetraymongoose
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« on: September 28, 2010, 06:31:58 pm »

So I wrote some poetry lately and would like some feedback, so please tell me what you think of these. If I write more I'll post it in here as to not make like 5 different threads.


But, You

You say you want the world to change,
But youíre not willing to sacrifice.
You want us to make a rallying call,
But you donít even show up.
You say you want me to care about you,
But youíve already thrown your feelings out the window.
You tell me to stay,
But you threw that chance away.
You keep on thinking youíll be a huge star,
But nobody even knows who you are.
You arenít making it anywhere,
But you think youíre something special.
You keep creeping into my thoughts and dreams,
But you donít deserve the starring role.
You keep thinking nothings changed,
But youíve never been more wrong in your life.



Turning Too Fast


The world keeps changing,
And I disagree.
For me to like it,
Itíll cost quite the fee.

I donít have a place in it,
But thatís really alright.
Iíll make my own way,
With pure will and might.

Iíll keep on living just in spite,
Sticking a thorn in the worlds path,
You couldnít be any less right,
You think you can stop me? Donít make me laugh.

A man once said, ďI look at the world and notice itís turning,Ē
Well he was on the right track.
I gave it all my heart,
Just be sure to give it back.

Time plays us all for fools,
It trickles by when you want it to go fast,
Memories begin to fade,
But quickness happens when you want it to last.

Iíve seen many things,
And Iím sick of them all,
The world keeps on turning,
And empires crumble and fall.


Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong that I miss you?
Is it wrong to say Iím okay when Iím not?
Itís been a month and I havenít slept a wink,
All our time together, to forget it with a blink.
What I wouldnít give for a second chance,
Or at least the next part of the first one.
Iím ready to pick up the shambles of my life,
But it was already like this before.

Is it wrong to want to see you?
Is it wrong to keep on believing things will be okay?
Every single problem is back, plus some more,
My mind is like an open door.
Fears wandering through my mind,
Making every dream a nightmare.
I really want to sleep sometime,
What youíve done to me isnít fair.

 Why is it that even in the warmest clothes,
Iím still cold.
A hollow heart and an empty soul,
Crushing them was your only goal.
 I blame,
 Yet thank you for making me this way.
Together, I had hope, a reason to continue on,
But Iím stronger now that youíre gone

Iíll show you what I can do without you,
My path is set, now its full steam ahead.
Are you happy now that youíve thrown it all away?
Iíve got a couple things to say,
Sold your soul,
And  live alone in your misery.
With thousand of unfriendly faces,
In unfriendly places.

Hereís the kicker though,
Iím better then you could ever believe.
Itís all thanks to crushing my heart,
And tearing me apart,
That I can strive beyond you,
 And even be happy.
Maybe itís wrong to feel this way?
I love the thought of you not being okay,
And I wouldnít want it any other way.


Please tell me what you guys think, thanks!
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DarkMilly
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« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2010, 10:00:00 pm »

I think they all have strong endings. I especially like the last one, yay for anger! lol
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We may fail alone, but that is better than dying with them, only to be forgotten. I for one, would rather suffer now, than leave this life without passion.
Jetraymongoose
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« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2010, 05:09:17 am »

Maybe you like the last ending so much cause you made me change it that way >.>

Anyways, you still like them and that's all I wanted was feedback. Thanks Milly!
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BrainBlow
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« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2010, 05:13:01 am »

Poetry is for girls.

Just kidding, I'll read over these once school is finished.

Edit: Awesome. But really, if that last poem was based on the breakup with your girlfriend then that is really Emo. Just sayin'  Roll Eyes
« Last Edit: September 29, 2010, 10:36:04 am by BrainBlow » Logged

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Jetraymongoose
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« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2010, 05:48:33 pm »

To be completely fair, the original version was not even slightly emo, but I got Milly to edit my poems to make sure they were okay, and the only way I could make the last one okay was to make it very angry and very bitter, and very depressing. It was keep it and not be able to use it or to change it (the way Milly wanted me to) and be able to publish it. Also, I showed the poems to my one English teacher and she loved them, so suck it the last one isn't too emo.

-Side note: those 3 poems I wrote one day while I was venting into my notebook. I just set the pencil against the paper and they came out from my sad and angry rantings.-

I wrote another one today. It was funny writing something that wasn't really like those other ones. Usually I'll find a line or something and base a whole line around it. For this one I was just cutting the grass and thinking about a close, good friend of mine and the first 4 lines just came out of my mouth.

Sweet Little Bird

Sweet little bird singing in the night time deep,
Donít you know Iím already asleep?
Kind words healing a broken heart,
Except weíre both countries apart.

Sweet little bird always giving a hand,
Making me strong and letting me stand.
You know Iím always there for you,
Youíve always been there for me too,

Sweet little bird crying all alone,
Too many tears to have your blue eyes shown.
Hiding from the world to fight off despair,
Always having to give out help and care.

Sweet little bird youíre always the best,
Not even close to the any of the rest.
My hopes are for you to be able see this,
And know that Iím not gonna let you miss.

Sweet little bird singing in the night time deep,
Donít you know Iím never asleep?
Kind words healing your grieving heart,
No matter how many miles weíre apart.

« Last Edit: September 29, 2010, 05:53:49 pm by Jetraymongoose » Logged

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DarkMilly
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« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2010, 07:17:58 pm »

To be completely fair, the original version was not even slightly emo, but I got Milly to edit my poems to make sure they were okay, and the only way I could make the last one okay was to make it very angry and very bitter, and very depressing.
I'm sorry but it was a little emo when I read it the first time, and my suggestions in making the poem flow better, and suggestions towards making it more angry, was to try and make it sound more of a twisted angry poem then a purely emo poem. In saying this I personally find nothing wrong with an emo poem every now and again if it helps the writer and if it is still done well.

The last poem I like a lot. The rhymes don't seem forced, it has a very clear structure that you follow throughout the whole poem, and because of this it also flows nicely. Well done Smiley
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We may fail alone, but that is better than dying with them, only to be forgotten. I for one, would rather suffer now, than leave this life without passion.
Jetraymongoose
The Waffle King!
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« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2010, 07:23:47 pm »

Lol, its okay. It is kinda emo, but whatever. Everybody has emo moments sometime. Also, I do really enjoy the latest one, I thought it was really good.
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